Sunday, November 12, 2006
Metaphysical Rant <-may be misusing the word "metaphyisical"
What happens when you win? Like, at life? What happens when you finally take over the world, and kill all the rebels, and you are truly, securely in power? What happens when technology reaches the point when everyone can live comfortably, when poverty no longer exists? I have this itching feeling that it will be like every time I finish a video game, secret stages and all, done everything I possibly can. This may be a poor comparison, but there's always that feeling of "okay, what now?" Then I go out and buy another game, go through figuratively similar trials, and do the whole thing all over again. The same basic principle has nagged at me when I think of those who seek power for power's sake, when I toyed with the idea of writing about Palpatine. What if he won? What if the rebels were eliminated, and he ruled the galaxy for the rest of his force-elongated life? I mean, power for power's sake seems pointless, once you've got all the power, what do you do? Does anyone else think of this? I'm going to be very annoyed if this post turns out more question marks than any other form of punctuation, but it looks like it's going to be inevitable, almost socratic in that I'll have more questions than answers. How's that for self-reference? So what if we, as a species, win? Winning defined as solving all the problems with our environment, poverty, evil dictators and terrorists, the decay of education, teen angst, whatever. Where do we go? Do we reset, or do we find another game? Or maybe we make it all a game, at least more so than it seems to be already. If we win, and it does have a point, then we won't really have won, we'll just have achieved an objective, and continue from there. I guess I'm kind of hoping for that, not necessarily as an individual, but as a member of the species as a whole. As an individual, I'm still working on it, but I think I'd rather just enjoy myself and make sure not too much lame shit happens, insofar as anyone is capable of preventing shit from happening. I kind of hope I'm around when we win, maybe even help us win, because I'm really curious about what happens next. I wonder if any of this made any sense.
Monday, October 30, 2006
An altered memory, not that great
The two walked bathed in an orangey light that only street lamps could offer. A sort of a misty foggy thing gave it the feeling of a memory realized several years later. It was sort of a dreamy feel, as if this would be important some time, but there was no way to know when, or even why.
The were in the woods, now, a park with a bicycle path winding through it in a figure eight. Various paths and clearings showed evidence of miscreants, insomniacs, and those with nothing better to do: cigarette butts, beer cans, wads of paper, and general litter were lightly sprinkled about the grounds. Despite the scattered signs of night life, the two boys, about 14, had nothing to fear. This was their neighborhood, their park. They were invincible. They walked as though they were a pair of cops on a familiar beat.
"I feel like something big is going to happen," said one. He was slightly shorter than the other, light haired, a bit wirey, and his name was Alex.
"The other, dark haired, vaguely muscular, and named Vincent cocked his head. "When?" he asked. The orangey light poked between the leaves, creating a sort of negative version of the shafts of sunlight that shoot through the clouds.
"I don't know. Soon, maybe."
"Like tomorrow? Next week? What are you talking about?" Vincent looked around, as if something were going to happen right now. Alex had a tendency to know things on accident. "What's going to happen?"
"Something big. Like, the end of the world or something."
"Oh, that." Vincent looked up at the stars. They were to the parking lot past the park. He couldn't see that many, there were street lights. "Well, what do you think we should do?"
Alex's eyes lit up. "We should get ready."
"What, we're supposed to save the world?"
"Yeah, it'l be like a videogame. We have to train. It won't be easy."
"By ourselves?" Vincent looked worried, but he tried not to show it. They were almost to the street. Occasionally, a care would pass by up ahead. The parking lot, though, was deserted.
"Nah, people will join us. And we'll get magic powers or something. Maybe we already have them and don't know how to use them."
Vincent looked at his hands. I bet I could control fire, or something, if I tried, he thought. No, that's silly. They were just about to cross the street.
"You've got to lead, though," said Alex
"What? Why? You're the one that knows all this stuff."
"Because you're the one that leads. People like you, they'll follow you. You can make decisions. And you're stronger."
Vincent laughed. "You alright? You'd never admit that. Besides, you know we're equally matched. With swords, anyway. And when you fight, you're scary."
Alex smiled. "That's exactly why. People think you're stronger anyway. Don't worry, I'm always backing you up. I'll be the brains behind it, you've got to lead."
They were at the entrance to the subdivision, directly under an orange streetlight. This is where they went different directions.
"How do you know all this is going to happen, anyway?"
"I dunno. Maybe it won't. We should get ready anyway."
The were in the woods, now, a park with a bicycle path winding through it in a figure eight. Various paths and clearings showed evidence of miscreants, insomniacs, and those with nothing better to do: cigarette butts, beer cans, wads of paper, and general litter were lightly sprinkled about the grounds. Despite the scattered signs of night life, the two boys, about 14, had nothing to fear. This was their neighborhood, their park. They were invincible. They walked as though they were a pair of cops on a familiar beat.
"I feel like something big is going to happen," said one. He was slightly shorter than the other, light haired, a bit wirey, and his name was Alex.
"The other, dark haired, vaguely muscular, and named Vincent cocked his head. "When?" he asked. The orangey light poked between the leaves, creating a sort of negative version of the shafts of sunlight that shoot through the clouds.
"I don't know. Soon, maybe."
"Like tomorrow? Next week? What are you talking about?" Vincent looked around, as if something were going to happen right now. Alex had a tendency to know things on accident. "What's going to happen?"
"Something big. Like, the end of the world or something."
"Oh, that." Vincent looked up at the stars. They were to the parking lot past the park. He couldn't see that many, there were street lights. "Well, what do you think we should do?"
Alex's eyes lit up. "We should get ready."
"What, we're supposed to save the world?"
"Yeah, it'l be like a videogame. We have to train. It won't be easy."
"By ourselves?" Vincent looked worried, but he tried not to show it. They were almost to the street. Occasionally, a care would pass by up ahead. The parking lot, though, was deserted.
"Nah, people will join us. And we'll get magic powers or something. Maybe we already have them and don't know how to use them."
Vincent looked at his hands. I bet I could control fire, or something, if I tried, he thought. No, that's silly. They were just about to cross the street.
"You've got to lead, though," said Alex
"What? Why? You're the one that knows all this stuff."
"Because you're the one that leads. People like you, they'll follow you. You can make decisions. And you're stronger."
Vincent laughed. "You alright? You'd never admit that. Besides, you know we're equally matched. With swords, anyway. And when you fight, you're scary."
Alex smiled. "That's exactly why. People think you're stronger anyway. Don't worry, I'm always backing you up. I'll be the brains behind it, you've got to lead."
They were at the entrance to the subdivision, directly under an orange streetlight. This is where they went different directions.
"How do you know all this is going to happen, anyway?"
"I dunno. Maybe it won't. We should get ready anyway."
Thursday, October 26, 2006
I was bored. it's not that great.
In a world where nothing is certain, one lone Otter who is all by himself stands alone against the forces of darkness with no one to help him.
Surrounded by servants of chaos, the Lone Otter draws his sword, and proceeds to wave it about in a fairly unproductive and wild fashion, since there was no one to show him how to use it.
Luckily, there were some basic instructions written on the hilt: hold on end, and poke the other end into people.
You would think that with such vague instructions, the Lone Otter wouldn't stand a chance against the forces of darkness and/or chaos, but you've obviously forgotten that this is a world where nothing is certain.
Dark, armoured beasts wearing dark armour slashed and swung at our hero, but the Lone Otter, whilst swing his sword about, dodged and parried every blow. Occasionally, his sword would strike a vital artery or organ of one of the many fiends that surrounded him.
Eventually, the clearing was littered with the bodies of a dozen or so servants of dark chaos. (They were in a clearing, by the way, that may not have been mentioned)
The Lone Otter looked around at his handiwork, and said to himself, since he was the only one there, "Wow, that was easy. I think I'd like an omelet, now," and headed to a local village, which happened to have a Denny's.
Little did the Lone Otter know what waited for him in the adventures ahead. In fact, he didn't really know anything or even that he had an adventure ahead of him. He just sort of figured that being attacked by servants of chaotic darkness was the sort of thing that happened all the time. Otters, after all, are not known for their understanding of evil plots for world domination and/or destruction.
Meanwhile, in a Dark Palace, far away in a country ruled by chaos, a villainous looking fellow paced back and forth (as if one could pace in any other direction, what a superfluous use of words). "Curse that solitary water dwelling mammal, he has defeated a dozen or so of my finest warriors!" A dark figure appeared before him in a sort spooky shadowy hologram. "Fool!" said the shadow thingy. "how could your warriors be so weak to be defeated by such an unlikely hero?" The villainous looking fellow shuddered in terror, as dark shadowy overlord-types are prone to killing their own subordinates. "forgive me, dark and chaotic one. We were unprepared. It won't happen again." The shadowy thing's glowing red eyes (Dark rulers of chaos often have glowing red eyes. So do Chaotic lords of Darkness, for that matter.) narrowed. "No, no it wont." The villainous looking character proceeded to writhe in pain as pain coursed through his dark, villainous body. The shadowy thing did not kill him at this time, however, so you don't need to feel any of that weird sympathy that people sometimes feel for bad guys when higher ranking bad guys kill them.
Back in the village, the Lone Otter found the Denny's with little trouble. Upon entering the restaurant, he was seated in a timely manner by a decent-looking waitress. Said waitress proceeded to pour him coffee and told him his omelett would be out in just a moment.
As the coffee made its way from the pot to his mug, the Lone Otter suddenly realized something. "Hey, I didn't tell you I wanted an omelete!" He immediately drew his conveniently labeled sword, and pointed it at her throat, causing her to spill the rest of the coffee. Luckily, there wasn't that much. "You must have used dark magic to read my mind!"
"Please, sir," said the waitress, "it's common knowledge that otters like omeletes. You looked like you needed one." The Lone Otter sheathed his weapon, and took a sip of his coffee. "Very well. I apologize. It's just that I'm a bit jumpy. I am standing alone against the forces of darkness, after all."
It might be worth mentioning that the waitress is, in fact, human. This isn't some kind of silly animal story.
“That’s perfectly understandable, my dear. These are uncertain times, it seems as though everyone’s on edge.”
The waitress walked off to fetch the Lone Otters omelet.
Monday, October 23, 2006
On Ice Cream
There are many people in this world who would fight to death for the honor of their favorite flavor of ice cream. I have met many people who stand steadfast by cookie dough, still more who spill blood in the name of mint chocolate chip. There are the elitist toffees and the childish cookies and creams. Personally, I take the same view on icecream as I do on salad: beauty in diversity. There can be an icecream for every mood, a topping for every whim, a flavor for every desire. Let's take the pure simplicity of vanilla. It is pleasurable in and of itself, even though some less enlightened might consider it "boring." The simplest additions to vanilla create new worlds of experience, a dash of chocolate syrup, a pinch of sprinkles, a dallop of whipped cream. Sundaes are a form of art. Banana splits are sculptures of flavor. Neopolitan ice cream embraces the diversity that all ice cream should represent. Let lovers of ice cream not war over their favorites, but rejoice in the existence of all flavors!
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Conceptual Pre-writing
Equal rights for Naturals!
Enhanced humans have forgotten their roots. Thos who can afford thes technologies have forced many out of their jobs; survival of the richest has taken a new level of unbelievability. Enhanced citizens are still only human, and are a prone to failure as a natural person.
"We have taken the next step in our evolution. If some choose not to enhance, then they doom themselves to extinction. Denying the changes offered is denying natural selection. humanity as we know it is redefined, and if people don't keep up with the times, they will be left behind. We have seen this in the past; hundreds of years ago, the aborigines modernized or died out. The Amish are all but extinct. The only citizens without personal computers are living like animals in the bowels of our cities. Those who refuse to merge are kidding themselves, and will eventually be forgotten by history."
Merging is a popular term for a mainstreamed form of bio-technological enhancement.
-Cerebral implants, directly connects mind to world wide computer network
-mental augmentations- speeds up thought processes, reflexes, reduces need for sleep
Other enhancements
-physical, both in appearance and performance, not plastic or chemical, but through genetic engineering
*issues with perfection
Where is humanity? consequences of supposed perfection? weakness or flaws in system?
plot concept-romeo and juliet architype, using this techno-social rift, rather than family feud.
Enhanced humans have forgotten their roots. Thos who can afford thes technologies have forced many out of their jobs; survival of the richest has taken a new level of unbelievability. Enhanced citizens are still only human, and are a prone to failure as a natural person.
"We have taken the next step in our evolution. If some choose not to enhance, then they doom themselves to extinction. Denying the changes offered is denying natural selection. humanity as we know it is redefined, and if people don't keep up with the times, they will be left behind. We have seen this in the past; hundreds of years ago, the aborigines modernized or died out. The Amish are all but extinct. The only citizens without personal computers are living like animals in the bowels of our cities. Those who refuse to merge are kidding themselves, and will eventually be forgotten by history."
Merging is a popular term for a mainstreamed form of bio-technological enhancement.
-Cerebral implants, directly connects mind to world wide computer network
-mental augmentations- speeds up thought processes, reflexes, reduces need for sleep
Other enhancements
-physical, both in appearance and performance, not plastic or chemical, but through genetic engineering
*issues with perfection
Where is humanity? consequences of supposed perfection? weakness or flaws in system?
plot concept-romeo and juliet architype, using this techno-social rift, rather than family feud.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
One Day More- for seniors
Valjean is one of many seniors
Marius and Cosette are the valedictorian and saludatorian
Eponine has severe senioritis
The Thenardiers are Parents
Javert is the Dean
Everyone else is just another senior
Valjean:
One day more, another day of senioriaty,
'Till the day we must face College society
For eighteen years we've lived at home
And now we strike out on our own
Marius:
I've waited so long for this day
But very soon we will have parted
Valjean:
One Day More!
Marius & Cosette:
Tomorrow we'll be worlds away
And yet it seems the year just started
Eponine:
One more day and I'm on my own
Marius & Cosette:
Will we ever meet again?
Eponine:
One more day with me not caring
Marius & Cosette:
Oh, LC I will be true
Eponine:
What a life I may begin
Marius & Cosette:
But I confess I'm sick of you
Eponine:
And I'm tired of going there
Senior:
One more day before we storm
Marius:
Will I find out where to go
Senior:
All the barracades to freedom
Marius:
Shall I join my classmates there?
Senior:
When class ranks begin to form
Marius:
Do I stay; and do I care?
Senior:
Will you be in the top thirty?
All:
The Time is now, the day is here
Dean:
One more day to graduation
The end of another year
I will send off all these seniors
I will get them out of here
Valjean:
One day more!
Parents:
Watch'em run amuck
Catch them if they fall
Never know you're luck when there's a free for all
Here a little cash
There a little touch
In September they'll be leaving and we'll miss them much
Students (2 groups):
1) One day to a new beginning
2) See the flag of freedom rise
1) What will the next year bring?
2)What will the next year bring?
1) There's a new world that's beginning
2) There's a new world to be won
All:
Do you here the Seniors sing?
Marius:
My place is here, I stand with you!
Valjean:
One Day More!
Marius & Cosette:
I've waited so long for this day
Eponine:
One day 'till I'm on my own
Marius & Cosetter:
Very soon we will be parted
Dean:
I will watch over these seniors
I will follow where they go
I will learn their little secrets
I will know the things they know
Valjean:
One Day More!
Marius & Cosette:
Tomorrow we'll be worlds away
Eponine:
What a life I may begin
Marius & Cosette:
Yet it seems the year just started
(overlapping)
Dean: One more day to graduation...
Students: One day to a new beginning...
Parents: Watch 'em run amok...
Valjean:
Tomorrow we'll be far away
Tomorrow is the judgement day
All:
Tomorrow we'll discover
what God in heaven has in store
One more Dawn
One more Day,
On Day More!
Marius and Cosette are the valedictorian and saludatorian
Eponine has severe senioritis
The Thenardiers are Parents
Javert is the Dean
Everyone else is just another senior
Valjean:
One day more, another day of senioriaty,
'Till the day we must face College society
For eighteen years we've lived at home
And now we strike out on our own
Marius:
I've waited so long for this day
But very soon we will have parted
Valjean:
One Day More!
Marius & Cosette:
Tomorrow we'll be worlds away
And yet it seems the year just started
Eponine:
One more day and I'm on my own
Marius & Cosette:
Will we ever meet again?
Eponine:
One more day with me not caring
Marius & Cosette:
Oh, LC I will be true
Eponine:
What a life I may begin
Marius & Cosette:
But I confess I'm sick of you
Eponine:
And I'm tired of going there
Senior:
One more day before we storm
Marius:
Will I find out where to go
Senior:
All the barracades to freedom
Marius:
Shall I join my classmates there?
Senior:
When class ranks begin to form
Marius:
Do I stay; and do I care?
Senior:
Will you be in the top thirty?
All:
The Time is now, the day is here
Dean:
One more day to graduation
The end of another year
I will send off all these seniors
I will get them out of here
Valjean:
One day more!
Parents:
Watch'em run amuck
Catch them if they fall
Never know you're luck when there's a free for all
Here a little cash
There a little touch
In September they'll be leaving and we'll miss them much
Students (2 groups):
1) One day to a new beginning
2) See the flag of freedom rise
1) What will the next year bring?
2)What will the next year bring?
1) There's a new world that's beginning
2) There's a new world to be won
All:
Do you here the Seniors sing?
Marius:
My place is here, I stand with you!
Valjean:
One Day More!
Marius & Cosette:
I've waited so long for this day
Eponine:
One day 'till I'm on my own
Marius & Cosetter:
Very soon we will be parted
Dean:
I will watch over these seniors
I will follow where they go
I will learn their little secrets
I will know the things they know
Valjean:
One Day More!
Marius & Cosette:
Tomorrow we'll be worlds away
Eponine:
What a life I may begin
Marius & Cosette:
Yet it seems the year just started
(overlapping)
Dean: One more day to graduation...
Students: One day to a new beginning...
Parents: Watch 'em run amok...
Valjean:
Tomorrow we'll be far away
Tomorrow is the judgement day
All:
Tomorrow we'll discover
what God in heaven has in store
One more Dawn
One more Day,
On Day More!
Monday, March 20, 2006
A Perilous Paradox of Procrastination
I started a rant a while ago, but called to do something else or something. Not much, but it almost makes you think. I'll probably never finish it, so deal with it.
As I sit here, restlessly wandering the ever shifting roads of the interweb, I am haunted by a strange irony. I, unexpectedly, am not avoiding work, except maybe searching for obscure scholarship competitions. Everything I need to have done for tomorrow, and even the day after that is already finished. One would think that this sort of state would bring peace of mind, but, as an avid procrastinator, I find it very frustrating to have all my work taken care of. I am driven by the last minute panic and pseudo-organization that normally brings my projects together miraculously. With everything accounted for, however, I am beset with a subtle dread, thinking perhaps I missed something.
As I sit here, restlessly wandering the ever shifting roads of the interweb, I am haunted by a strange irony. I, unexpectedly, am not avoiding work, except maybe searching for obscure scholarship competitions. Everything I need to have done for tomorrow, and even the day after that is already finished. One would think that this sort of state would bring peace of mind, but, as an avid procrastinator, I find it very frustrating to have all my work taken care of. I am driven by the last minute panic and pseudo-organization that normally brings my projects together miraculously. With everything accounted for, however, I am beset with a subtle dread, thinking perhaps I missed something.
Sunday, March 19, 2006
LehrerMann: MARTEN
LehrerMann: THOU'RT A BANANA
Pinball Jedi 42: Am not
LehrerMann: Are too.
Pinball Jedi 42: Am Not!
LehrerMann: Are Too!
Pinball Jedi 42: AM NOT
LehrerMann: ARE TOO
Pinball Jedi 42: Prove it.
LehrerMann: ARE TOO
Pinball Jedi 42: That is not proof.
LehrerMann: I have all the evidence right here.
LehrerMann: Look!
LehrerMann: Here it is!
Pinball Jedi 42: I don't see it
Pinball Jedi 42: I don't think it's real
LehrerMann: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Pinball Jedi 42: I find your lack of proof annoying.
LehrerMann: I find your face annoying.
Pinball Jedi 42: I find your mom annoying.
LehrerMann: I win.
Pinball Jedi 42: I win more.
Pinball Jedi 42: than you
Pinball Jedi 42: forever
LehrerMann: I win the most.
Pinball Jedi 42: Only not, because I win more than you forever.
Pinball Jedi 42: Infinitely multiplied.
LehrerMann: I used the superlative.
Pinball Jedi 42: I USED INFINITY!
Pinball Jedi 42: THE INFINILATIVE!
LehrerMann: That's not a word. You = failure.
Pinball Jedi 42: I make my own words. I am Omnipotent.
LehrerMann: Prove it.
Pinball Jedi 42: The proof is obvious. Just look at the word I just made.
LehrerMann: That's not evidence.
Pinball Jedi 42: Is so.
LehrerMann: Unless my use of the word furmambulocity makes me equally omnipotent.
Pinball Jedi 42: what does that mean?
LehrerMann: It means that I am omnipotent.
Pinball Jedi 42: The difference between your word and mine is that mine actually seemed to mean something
Pinball Jedi 42: your's is random sylables
LehrerMann: I think that any meaning your word had just got killed by your awful grammar.
LehrerMann: And spelling.
Pinball Jedi 42: Speleeng is billow me. Wordz bend two meye will.
Pinball Jedi 42: It's more evidence of my omnipotence
LehrerMann: Or your lack of language competence.
Pinball Jedi 42: Language mastery.
Pinball Jedi 42: Some follow rules, I make them.
LehrerMann: dlkfsajlkajlksmdlkmcslknagdnfrlhaukfgh;jeotwpjwnmlkbmwrmvocm
LehrerMann: Did you understand that?
Pinball Jedi 42: Yes.
Pinball Jedi 42: You basically submitted to me completely
Pinball Jedi 42: and you don't even know it
LehrerMann: Wrong.
LehrerMann: That was Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, transcribed very concisely.
LehrerMann: As you can see, I am an amazing and omnipotent genius, as evidenced by your failure to understand my work.
Pinball Jedi 42: yes, but what you don't understand is that through my omnipotency, I influenced Shakespeare to write Romeo and Juliet in the first place, and the true meaning underlying the entire plot is a tribute to my incredible power.
LehrerMann: You may have influenced him, but I actually wrote most of it myself.
LehrerMann: And I built Jesus out of Legos with my own two hands.
Pinball Jedi 42: Okay, you win
Pinball Jedi 42: that was just too funny for me to contrive a way to out do you.
LehrerMann: Excellent.
LehrerMann: Victory is mine.
Pinball Jedi 42: Congratulations. Now you are the Banana.
LehrerMann: I can deal with that.
LehrerMann: THOU'RT A BANANA
Pinball Jedi 42: Am not
LehrerMann: Are too.
Pinball Jedi 42: Am Not!
LehrerMann: Are Too!
Pinball Jedi 42: AM NOT
LehrerMann: ARE TOO
Pinball Jedi 42: Prove it.
LehrerMann: ARE TOO
Pinball Jedi 42: That is not proof.
LehrerMann: I have all the evidence right here.
LehrerMann: Look!
LehrerMann: Here it is!
Pinball Jedi 42: I don't see it
Pinball Jedi 42: I don't think it's real
LehrerMann: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Pinball Jedi 42: I find your lack of proof annoying.
LehrerMann: I find your face annoying.
Pinball Jedi 42: I find your mom annoying.
LehrerMann: I win.
Pinball Jedi 42: I win more.
Pinball Jedi 42: than you
Pinball Jedi 42: forever
LehrerMann: I win the most.
Pinball Jedi 42: Only not, because I win more than you forever.
Pinball Jedi 42: Infinitely multiplied.
LehrerMann: I used the superlative.
Pinball Jedi 42: I USED INFINITY!
Pinball Jedi 42: THE INFINILATIVE!
LehrerMann: That's not a word. You = failure.
Pinball Jedi 42: I make my own words. I am Omnipotent.
LehrerMann: Prove it.
Pinball Jedi 42: The proof is obvious. Just look at the word I just made.
LehrerMann: That's not evidence.
Pinball Jedi 42: Is so.
LehrerMann: Unless my use of the word furmambulocity makes me equally omnipotent.
Pinball Jedi 42: what does that mean?
LehrerMann: It means that I am omnipotent.
Pinball Jedi 42: The difference between your word and mine is that mine actually seemed to mean something
Pinball Jedi 42: your's is random sylables
LehrerMann: I think that any meaning your word had just got killed by your awful grammar.
LehrerMann: And spelling.
Pinball Jedi 42: Speleeng is billow me. Wordz bend two meye will.
Pinball Jedi 42: It's more evidence of my omnipotence
LehrerMann: Or your lack of language competence.
Pinball Jedi 42: Language mastery.
Pinball Jedi 42: Some follow rules, I make them.
LehrerMann: dlkfsajlkajlksmdlkmcslknagdnfrlhaukfgh;jeotwpjwnmlkbmwrmvocm
LehrerMann: Did you understand that?
Pinball Jedi 42: Yes.
Pinball Jedi 42: You basically submitted to me completely
Pinball Jedi 42: and you don't even know it
LehrerMann: Wrong.
LehrerMann: That was Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, transcribed very concisely.
LehrerMann: As you can see, I am an amazing and omnipotent genius, as evidenced by your failure to understand my work.
Pinball Jedi 42: yes, but what you don't understand is that through my omnipotency, I influenced Shakespeare to write Romeo and Juliet in the first place, and the true meaning underlying the entire plot is a tribute to my incredible power.
LehrerMann: You may have influenced him, but I actually wrote most of it myself.
LehrerMann: And I built Jesus out of Legos with my own two hands.
Pinball Jedi 42: Okay, you win
Pinball Jedi 42: that was just too funny for me to contrive a way to out do you.
LehrerMann: Excellent.
LehrerMann: Victory is mine.
Pinball Jedi 42: Congratulations. Now you are the Banana.
LehrerMann: I can deal with that.
Sunday, March 05, 2006
Customer Service.
Another random dialogue just sort of popped into my head. It could probably be better, but whatever.
The setting is a well-kept barbecue. The walls are lined with posters promoting chili, peppers, sauces, Texas, and various western things. The menu board above the serving line displays meat and side options, as well as a few specials and differing order sizes. Next to the serving line is a shelf with sauces, powders and meat rubs for sale. A customer walks in, examines the menu board, and makes his choice.
Customer: I'd like to order a pound of bulk meat.
Server: Al'right, what kind of meat would you like?
Customer: Well, I can't really decide. Could I have that split into a quarter pound of chicken, sausage, brisket, and pork?
Server: Yes, but I'll have to charge you $5 extra.
Customer: WHAT? Why?
Server: Because you're ordering 4 regular meat portions. It's not bulk meat.
Customer: Yes it is! I'm ordering a pound of bulk meat, I just want it split.
Server: ...Do you know what bulk means?
There is an ackward silence as the server finishes the order.
Server: Okay, what kind of sauce do you want with this?
Customer: I'd like the spicy.
The server places a large, eight ounce container on the counter.
Customer: Could I have another one of those?
Server: (sighing) Yes, but I'll have to charge you.
Customer:Why? The menu says all orders come with sauce on the side.
Server: Yes, all orders come with sauce on the side. No where does it say, however, that sauce comes on all sides.
Customer: Don't get smart with me kid, your job is to give me what I order.
Server: Look, we sell bottles of this stuff here. I can't give you all the sauce you want for free, it's economically unsound.
Customer: Hasn't anyone ever told you that the customer's always right?
Server: (under his breath) Not if the customer's a moron.
Customer: I Heard That! I don't have to take this, I'm leaving. You've just lost a customer!
Server: Not much of a loss if it's a customer that doesn't want to pay for anything
The setting is a well-kept barbecue. The walls are lined with posters promoting chili, peppers, sauces, Texas, and various western things. The menu board above the serving line displays meat and side options, as well as a few specials and differing order sizes. Next to the serving line is a shelf with sauces, powders and meat rubs for sale. A customer walks in, examines the menu board, and makes his choice.
Customer: I'd like to order a pound of bulk meat.
Server: Al'right, what kind of meat would you like?
Customer: Well, I can't really decide. Could I have that split into a quarter pound of chicken, sausage, brisket, and pork?
Server: Yes, but I'll have to charge you $5 extra.
Customer: WHAT? Why?
Server: Because you're ordering 4 regular meat portions. It's not bulk meat.
Customer: Yes it is! I'm ordering a pound of bulk meat, I just want it split.
Server: ...Do you know what bulk means?
There is an ackward silence as the server finishes the order.
Server: Okay, what kind of sauce do you want with this?
Customer: I'd like the spicy.
The server places a large, eight ounce container on the counter.
Customer: Could I have another one of those?
Server: (sighing) Yes, but I'll have to charge you.
Customer:Why? The menu says all orders come with sauce on the side.
Server: Yes, all orders come with sauce on the side. No where does it say, however, that sauce comes on all sides.
Customer: Don't get smart with me kid, your job is to give me what I order.
Server: Look, we sell bottles of this stuff here. I can't give you all the sauce you want for free, it's economically unsound.
Customer: Hasn't anyone ever told you that the customer's always right?
Server: (under his breath) Not if the customer's a moron.
Customer: I Heard That! I don't have to take this, I'm leaving. You've just lost a customer!
Server: Not much of a loss if it's a customer that doesn't want to pay for anything
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Most Ironic Parody, Ever
LIGHTSABER LIGHTSABER LIGHTSABER
I want to build my LIGHTSABER LIGHTSABER LIGHTSABER
I want to build my lightsaber
I want to use the force
I want to build my lightsaber
I'd only fight for good, of course
You say black, I say white,
you say dark I say Light,
you say join me and I say hey, man,
ruling isn't my sceneand I don't start clone wars
You say flight, I say droids,
You say Sith, I'll avoid
You say fight, I say fine,
I'll use the Force to defend The Republic to the very end
All I wanna do is
LIGHTSABER LIGHTSABER LIGHTSABER
I want to build my LIGHTSABER LIGHTSABER LIGHTSABERI
want to build my lightsaber
I want to use the force
I want to build my lightsaber
I'd only fight for
Lightsaber battles are comin' your way
So remember your training, padawan
The Dark Lords of Sith will be fighting today
So look out for those devils, young one
Use the force, get set, Go!
Lightsaber fight, Lightsaber fight, Lightsaber fight
LIGHTSABER LIGHTSABER LIGHTSABER
I want to build my LIGHTSABER
LIGHTSABER LIGHTSABER LIGHTSABER LIGHTSABER
Lightsaber Fight
You say Darth, I say Maul
You say Jump, I say Fall
Hot dog I say cool it man
I don't wanna be the Chancelor of the Republic
You say smile I say cheese
Jawa Juice, I say please
Death Sticks I say Force! You want
to give up vice and strife
Go home and rethink your life
cuz all I wanna do is
LIGHTSABER LIGHTSABER LIGHTSABER
I want to build my LIGHTSABER LIGHTSABER LIGHTSABER
I want to build my lightsaber
I want to use the force
I want to build my lightsaber
I'd only fight for good, of course
I want to build my LIGHTSABER LIGHTSABER LIGHTSABER
I want to build my lightsaber
I want to use the force
I want to build my lightsaber
I'd only fight for good, of course
You say black, I say white,
you say dark I say Light,
you say join me and I say hey, man,
ruling isn't my sceneand I don't start clone wars
You say flight, I say droids,
You say Sith, I'll avoid
You say fight, I say fine,
I'll use the Force to defend The Republic to the very end
All I wanna do is
LIGHTSABER LIGHTSABER LIGHTSABER
I want to build my LIGHTSABER LIGHTSABER LIGHTSABERI
want to build my lightsaber
I want to use the force
I want to build my lightsaber
I'd only fight for
Lightsaber battles are comin' your way
So remember your training, padawan
The Dark Lords of Sith will be fighting today
So look out for those devils, young one
Use the force, get set, Go!
Lightsaber fight, Lightsaber fight, Lightsaber fight
LIGHTSABER LIGHTSABER LIGHTSABER
I want to build my LIGHTSABER
LIGHTSABER LIGHTSABER LIGHTSABER LIGHTSABER
Lightsaber Fight
You say Darth, I say Maul
You say Jump, I say Fall
Hot dog I say cool it man
I don't wanna be the Chancelor of the Republic
You say smile I say cheese
Jawa Juice, I say please
Death Sticks I say Force! You want
to give up vice and strife
Go home and rethink your life
cuz all I wanna do is
LIGHTSABER LIGHTSABER LIGHTSABER
I want to build my LIGHTSABER LIGHTSABER LIGHTSABER
I want to build my lightsaber
I want to use the force
I want to build my lightsaber
I'd only fight for good, of course
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Rise of the Machines
You remember the movie The Terminater? Arnold Schwarzenager is a cyborg that goes back in time to assassinate the mother of the child who will save humans from being eliminated by machines? It was something about a security system that got smart and decided to kill all humans. Kind of allegorical, because of how dependent we are on machines. Then, along comes The Matrix with the whole "everyone is in a giant computer program" thing. Another allegory, we are dependent on computer technology. Now, my opinion on our dependence on technology, it's a lot more subtle than all that. Computers and machines are not a major threat to humanity. Don't get me wrong, my van gives me grief every morning, and I make a blood sacrifice to the machine god every time I log on to a computer, but the true threat to humankind is far more sinister: Snack Machines.
Where's the harm in a snack machine, you ask? They don't seem evil, they're fairly simple and straight-forward: you put money in, food comes out. It is within this deceptive simplicity that the great evil lies. The power of the snack machine has developed over time. It started out with a simple inconvenience, when the machine wouldn't take your crumpled up dollar. There's really nothing wrong with the dollar, it's still worth what it's worth to a human being with feelings and emotions, but I guess I can understand that the machine can't read a dollar that has been passed through many living human hands. Next, the machine would begin eating money and giving no food in return. Another simple mistake? Possible, but not likely. However, as seldom as it happened, the convenience was tolerable. Meanwhile, we are being brainwashed into putting up with a machine that does not perform the simple task for which it was built. As it learned about human behavior, the snack machine became creative. It teases people; you put in money and make a selection, and it will look like the food is coming out like normal, but it stops just before it falls. The customer simply buys a second to shake the first one free, unwittingly giving the snack machine a new weapon. I have experienced first-hand this devious new plot. Within a machine, there hung a bag of chips, precariously perched on the edge of dispencing mechanism. I saw a rare opportunity to purchase two snacks for the price of one; little did I know that the snack machine had more devious plans for me. I inserted my money, the little springs spun, and another bag of chips was caught on the end with the first bag. Seemingly IMPOSSIBLE, but true. Two bags of chips trapped inside the machine. No visible obstruction to keep them out of my possession, yet I remained chipless. This must be a fluke, I thought. Perhaps if I pay for another bag of chips, the first two will fall with the third. No way it could get caught again. At least, that's what I thought. After the third bag was caught, my sanity began to slip away. I assaulted the machine with as much force as I could without being charged for vandalism. Ha, an unfair amnesty against a petty thief, I say. Still, it was to no avail, and my three bags of chips remained trapped, and my state of mind was shattered for the rest of the evening. If this encounter isn't evidence of a psychologival assault, I don't know what is. Join me to save humanity's peace of mind! I propose a boycott on vending machines of all kinds. Fight their shiny advertisements, fight their multi-colored boxes of candy, save mankind's sanity from the monotony of autonomous dispensation!
Where's the harm in a snack machine, you ask? They don't seem evil, they're fairly simple and straight-forward: you put money in, food comes out. It is within this deceptive simplicity that the great evil lies. The power of the snack machine has developed over time. It started out with a simple inconvenience, when the machine wouldn't take your crumpled up dollar. There's really nothing wrong with the dollar, it's still worth what it's worth to a human being with feelings and emotions, but I guess I can understand that the machine can't read a dollar that has been passed through many living human hands. Next, the machine would begin eating money and giving no food in return. Another simple mistake? Possible, but not likely. However, as seldom as it happened, the convenience was tolerable. Meanwhile, we are being brainwashed into putting up with a machine that does not perform the simple task for which it was built. As it learned about human behavior, the snack machine became creative. It teases people; you put in money and make a selection, and it will look like the food is coming out like normal, but it stops just before it falls. The customer simply buys a second to shake the first one free, unwittingly giving the snack machine a new weapon. I have experienced first-hand this devious new plot. Within a machine, there hung a bag of chips, precariously perched on the edge of dispencing mechanism. I saw a rare opportunity to purchase two snacks for the price of one; little did I know that the snack machine had more devious plans for me. I inserted my money, the little springs spun, and another bag of chips was caught on the end with the first bag. Seemingly IMPOSSIBLE, but true. Two bags of chips trapped inside the machine. No visible obstruction to keep them out of my possession, yet I remained chipless. This must be a fluke, I thought. Perhaps if I pay for another bag of chips, the first two will fall with the third. No way it could get caught again. At least, that's what I thought. After the third bag was caught, my sanity began to slip away. I assaulted the machine with as much force as I could without being charged for vandalism. Ha, an unfair amnesty against a petty thief, I say. Still, it was to no avail, and my three bags of chips remained trapped, and my state of mind was shattered for the rest of the evening. If this encounter isn't evidence of a psychologival assault, I don't know what is. Join me to save humanity's peace of mind! I propose a boycott on vending machines of all kinds. Fight their shiny advertisements, fight their multi-colored boxes of candy, save mankind's sanity from the monotony of autonomous dispensation!
Sunday, February 12, 2006
A Dialogue
Not much, but I decided it was funny.
MARTEN: Alright, van, time to go.
VAN: ...
MARTEN: Hey, I gotta go to work.
VAN: I don't waaaannaaaaa
MARTEN: C'mon, I'm gonna be late!
VAN: It's Cold.
MARTEN: Don't be such a baby, it's only two miles.
VAN: Not moving.
MARTEN: Did I not just fill the gas tank and add oil?
(silence)
MARTEN: Hey!
VAN: It would be nice if you actually changed the oil. I've had the same filter since November.
MARTEN: Don't make me get out the starter fluid.
VAN:...Fine. (grumbles)
MARTEN: Alright, van, time to go.
VAN: ...
MARTEN: Hey, I gotta go to work.
VAN: I don't waaaannaaaaa
MARTEN: C'mon, I'm gonna be late!
VAN: It's Cold.
MARTEN: Don't be such a baby, it's only two miles.
VAN: Not moving.
MARTEN: Did I not just fill the gas tank and add oil?
(silence)
MARTEN: Hey!
VAN: It would be nice if you actually changed the oil. I've had the same filter since November.
MARTEN: Don't make me get out the starter fluid.
VAN:...Fine. (grumbles)
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
A Sith looks at Fifty
I know fifty sounds weird, but Darth Vader is supposedly 49 when this song is set, at the end of Return of the Jedi. It is sung to the tune of Jimmy Buffet's A Pirate Looks at Forty
On another Death Star, I've lost to my son
Refused to give in to the Dark Side, the worst has just begun
He nearly won, he nearly won
Watched the Emp'ror shock him, heard him call out to me
And in his despair I thought that their just might be a chance to redeem
Father, he screamed, Father he screamed.
Yes, I am a Jedi
Just twenty years too late
The Republic was dyin' and Padmé was cryin'
I let the Dark Side dominate,
Lost in my hate, lost in my hate
I got my taste of power, ruling behind this mask
But now it's time to destroy the Empire, and restore peace at last
Happened so fast, happened so fast
And I've been hunting Luke down for over three years
In the process killing Ozzel, Needa, and Gen'ral Veers
But I got to stop chokin' I'm finally broken
The galaxy's free once again
Time for my end, time for my end
(Instrumental)
I thought that I lost Padmé, then I discovered my child
Though I ran'em a way, he came back today
Still could manage to smile
Just takes awhile, just takes awhile
Help me take this mask off, one last mechanical sigh
You saw your father behind Darth Vader, Tell your sister that you were right
I've turned to the Light, tell her you were right
(coda)
I've turned to the Light, tell her you were right
On another Death Star, I've lost to my son
Refused to give in to the Dark Side, the worst has just begun
He nearly won, he nearly won
Watched the Emp'ror shock him, heard him call out to me
And in his despair I thought that their just might be a chance to redeem
Father, he screamed, Father he screamed.
Yes, I am a Jedi
Just twenty years too late
The Republic was dyin' and Padmé was cryin'
I let the Dark Side dominate,
Lost in my hate, lost in my hate
I got my taste of power, ruling behind this mask
But now it's time to destroy the Empire, and restore peace at last
Happened so fast, happened so fast
And I've been hunting Luke down for over three years
In the process killing Ozzel, Needa, and Gen'ral Veers
But I got to stop chokin' I'm finally broken
The galaxy's free once again
Time for my end, time for my end
(Instrumental)
I thought that I lost Padmé, then I discovered my child
Though I ran'em a way, he came back today
Still could manage to smile
Just takes awhile, just takes awhile
Help me take this mask off, one last mechanical sigh
You saw your father behind Darth Vader, Tell your sister that you were right
I've turned to the Light, tell her you were right
(coda)
I've turned to the Light, tell her you were right
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