Rise of the Machines

You remember the movie The Terminater? Arnold Schwarzenager is a cyborg that goes back in time to assassinate the mother of the child who will save humans from being eliminated by machines? It was something about a security system that got smart and decided to kill all humans. Kind of allegorical, because of how dependent we are on machines. Then, along comes The Matrix with the whole "everyone is in a giant computer program" thing. Another allegory, we are dependent on computer technology. Now, my opinion on our dependence on technology, it's a lot more subtle than all that. Computers and machines are not a major threat to humanity. Don't get me wrong, my van gives me grief every morning, and I make a blood sacrifice to the machine god every time I log on to a computer, but the true threat to humankind is far more sinister: Snack Machines.

Where's the harm in a snack machine, you ask? They don't seem evil, they're fairly simple and straight-forward: you put money in, food comes out. It is within this deceptive simplicity that the great evil lies. The power of the snack machine has developed over time. It started out with a simple inconvenience, when the machine wouldn't take your crumpled up dollar. There's really nothing wrong with the dollar, it's still worth what it's worth to a human being with feelings and emotions, but I guess I can understand that the machine can't read a dollar that has been passed through many living human hands. Next, the machine would begin eating money and giving no food in return. Another simple mistake? Possible, but not likely. However, as seldom as it happened, the convenience was tolerable. Meanwhile, we are being brainwashed into putting up with a machine that does not perform the simple task for which it was built. As it learned about human behavior, the snack machine became creative. It teases people; you put in money and make a selection, and it will look like the food is coming out like normal, but it stops just before it falls. The customer simply buys a second to shake the first one free, unwittingly giving the snack machine a new weapon. I have experienced first-hand this devious new plot. Within a machine, there hung a bag of chips, precariously perched on the edge of dispencing mechanism. I saw a rare opportunity to purchase two snacks for the price of one; little did I know that the snack machine had more devious plans for me. I inserted my money, the little springs spun, and another bag of chips was caught on the end with the first bag. Seemingly IMPOSSIBLE, but true. Two bags of chips trapped inside the machine. No visible obstruction to keep them out of my possession, yet I remained chipless. This must be a fluke, I thought. Perhaps if I pay for another bag of chips, the first two will fall with the third. No way it could get caught again. At least, that's what I thought. After the third bag was caught, my sanity began to slip away. I assaulted the machine with as much force as I could without being charged for vandalism. Ha, an unfair amnesty against a petty thief, I say. Still, it was to no avail, and my three bags of chips remained trapped, and my state of mind was shattered for the rest of the evening. If this encounter isn't evidence of a psychologival assault, I don't know what is. Join me to save humanity's peace of mind! I propose a boycott on vending machines of all kinds. Fight their shiny advertisements, fight their multi-colored boxes of candy, save mankind's sanity from the monotony of autonomous dispensation!